If you’re in a relationship and you like a co-worker’s photo on social media, are you microcheating?

What is Microcheating?

Microcheating is a term that describes small actions that might seem harmless but could be seen as a form of infidelity by your partner. It includes things like liking a co-worker's photo on social media, sending them direct messages, or checking in on Slack more often than before. These actions might not seem like a big deal to you, but they can create a bond with someone outside your relationship, which might make your partner uncomfortable.

The Rise of Remote Work

Although pushing the boundaries of what’s allowed in a relationship is not a new concept, the issue has become even more common with the rise of remote work, said William Schroeder, a therapist and owner of Just Mind Counseling centers in Austin, Texas. “People are having more digital relationships so it kind of creates more space for that,” Schroeder said. “In this work-from-home environment, it can happen even easier because it’s real low risk.”

Defining Microcheating

Microcheating, a term popularized by Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling, could be anything short of a physical or emotional relationship if it involves a behavior you can’t talk about openly with a partner. Besides furtive social media chatting, it also could mean lingering too long at the water cooler to talk to a co-worker, sharing personal details of your own relationship, or dressing up if you know you’ll see someone.

The Digital Age and Relationships

“We’ve just put a newer label on it,” said Abby Medcalf, a psychologist in Berkeley, California, and host of the “Relationships Made Easy” podcast. But Medcalf noted that with most of her patients in recent years, microcheating involves texting or messages on social media. And it can be a slippery slope.

Evolving Relationship Norms

As relationship norms evolve and terms like “polyamory” come out of the shadows, liking or commenting on a photo may seem fairly innocuous. Many couples don’t care, Medcalf said, but people who do shouldn’t feel bad for it. “There isn’t a right and wrong in relationships,” she said. “It comes down to preferences.”

When Microcheating Becomes a Problem

Even if a specific action has not been discussed and forbidden, trouble arises when it takes away energy from your primary relationship, she said. “It’s cheating if your partner doesn’t like it, or doesn’t know about it, or wouldn’t like it if they knew about it,” she said. She advised resisting the urge to snoop, which is a sign there is a lack of trust in the relationship. “All you want to know is, how is your partner treating you?” she said. “Do you feel No. 1?”

Setting Boundaries

Schroeder said every relationship has boundaries, some of which may have been discussed and others that are implied. These days, the gray area is bigger than ever. Particularly if a couple met on a dating app, it’s important to discuss whether to disable it and be exclusive, he said. Then define what “exclusive” means, such as not dating other people, continuing conversations through an app or pursuing others on social media.

Communication is Key

The best time to bring it up is long before a problem arises, even if it’s difficult to know when or how, he said. He equated having this talk with driving. “If you think that you have a full tank of gas, you’re not going to start thinking, ‘When should we stop to get gas?’” he said.

Recognizing the Signs

A change in behavior — if your significant other seems to be more secretive with their phone, for instance, or checks social media more often — could be a sign of an issue, he said. But try not to be accusatory. Rather, mention you have noticed they are more engaged with their phone and that it worries you because you’re not sure what it means. “Having that kind of curiosity is a much better place to have a conversation,” Schroeder said.

Understanding the Reasons

He said microcheating happens for many reasons, but often it’s because people are simply looking for that spark they feel from a new relationship. Some patients who engage in secretive behavior never cross further lines, but Schroeder said noticing if you yourself are doing it can be instructive. Also, it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. “It can be this crisis to rebuild,” he said. “Sometimes when these little microcheating examples come up, it can be really helpful to understand, ‘Alright, why is this coming up for me?’”

#Lifestyle #Infidelity #SocialMediaAge #Microcheating #BigDeal